Dating Slumps & The HIV+ Gay Man

Introduction

Ok, guys, lets face it. Dating can be a frustrating process when youre single and on the market for a long-term committed relationship. Trying to find a compatible guy for romance and companionship can make you feel like banging your head against the wall sometimes as you struggle to figure out where to meet these men in the first place, and then to go through the whole screening processit can feel like a full-time job sometimes!

But what happens if you are HIV+ and looking for love? I get letters frequently from single men with HIV who voice difficulties with the gay dating scene trying to find people to date. Dating can be hard enough at times, but for those with health issues or disabilities, the problems can be compounded and the sense of hopelessness and uncertainty doubled as these men question whether love is even possible for them in a gay culture that seems fixated on shallow definitions of what makes a man attractive and viable.

Im not going to sugar-coat things. The harsh reality is that having HIV can complicate the process of meeting people for dating and can make it more difficult. The availability pool for dating prospects will be reduced because there are a percentage of men who will not date HIV+ guys. That being said, having HIV does not preclude you to a permanent life of singlehood unless you choose that lifestyle consciously.

The fact of the matter is that you can realize and live the dream of having a life partner if thats your vision. Vast numbers of HIV+ gay men are currently enjoying long-term relationships and you, too, can join these ranks if that is your desire. This article will offer some strategies and suggestions for improving your dating success to empower you to go for it and keep the motivation burning for your boyfriend quest.

First Things First--Getting Out of Your Own Way

The first step for any gay man who wants to find his Mr. Right is to ensure that he is ready for love in the first place, which entails making sure his life is on solid ground, that he has dealt with any past baggage that could interfere with his efforts, and ensuring he has the emotional muscles and skills needed to navigate through all sorts of relationships. The second step is to define his vision for what he is seeking in a partner, in a relationship, and for his life. This provides a guidepost whereby you can measure your progress toward your goals and dreams. This requires a great deal of self-awareness and knowledge about who you are and what you stand for as you go about creating a list of your negotiable and non-negotiable needs that you then use to help you screen potential dating partners for their suitability against your vision.

As an HIV+ man, part of your readiness work will involve developing an acceptance of your disease. As with any illness or health issue, one goes through a grieving process; the degree to which you accept and feel OK with your health status, the greater your self-esteem can be to where it doesnt become a personal impediment in your dating efforts. Many HIV+ men have shared with me that they feel defective and believe theres something inherently wrong with them because of their status and this can be a huge obstacle to self-acceptance; not only that, but you then unconsciously send out certain vibes outwardly that reflect this poor self-image, which could work against your efforts to attract a mate.

Its important that you adequately grieve your health status and work through any feelings that come up for you around this. This takes time and cant be rushed. Remember that you are not your HIV; HIV is just a part of you and you have many other parts of your life that need feeding as well; spread the emphasis so theres more appropriate balance and well-being. Having a strong self-esteem is an important prerequisite to dating and the impact having HIV has on this for you needs to be worked through. Feeling good about yourself will make you feel attractive and confident, qualities that others will likely find appealing and magnetic.

Exercise: Write about some of the ways that you feel having HIV has been affecting your dating life. If you cant get a date, is it really because of your status, or is it perhaps something else about yourself that you could work on? What are some of the ways that you might hold yourself back from proactively dating? Do you possibly have fears of intimacy? Its not all that uncommon for those men with intimacy issues to use their HIV status as a way to ward off closeness with others as much as they may feel thats not the case. Develop goals for combating any of your self-imposed barriers to dating or enlist the services of a trained therapist or coach for support and guidance.

Where To Meet Men

The obvious key to finding a partner is to put yourself in venues or situations where you will meet other single and available men; the more closely aligned the venue is to your vision, values, interests, and sense of purpose/meaning in life, the more compatible candidates you will likely meet. The important thing is to get out there and live your life, mix and mingle, and take proactive steps to meeting new people. Here are some ideas of venues where you could potentially meet other HIV-friendly men for dating and friendship:

Personal ads: Use this advertisement as a way to really sell yourself and capitalize on your assets. What do you bring to the table? What makes you a great catch? Focus on positives and be unique, creative, and captivating so you create an intrigue in your readers. Be specific about your non-negotiable needs to screen out mismatches. There are many POZ-friendly sites available on the Internet.

Volunteer for an AIDS organization or a gay community or health center. Join an AIDS walk or attend an AIDS charity benefit. Many community organizations sponsor events where you would meet other people who share like-minded values and missions.

Attend an HIV/AIDS support group or create your own in your community if none exists. You could also form your own online forum as a safe meeting-place to discuss relevant issues, form friendships, and even meet and organize special events.

Attend a gay-affirmative church, let your friends set you up, go to a Pride event, etc. You know the drill.

Dating Navigational Tips For The HIV+ Gay Man

Never give up hope. Having HIV is not synonymous with always being dateless. While it is true that some men may refrain from going out with you because of your status, there are also a host of other men who dont view that as being an issue. Its the same thing about someone who is short, or is overweight, or has green eyesit doesnt matter. Love is available to everyone. Be proactive in your search and take the initiative.

As part of defining your vision, you will have to decide your own dating preference in terms of whether you feel comfortable just dating HIV- men, HIV+ men, or if youre indifferent to that. You will have a responsibility to any partner to disclose your status before becoming sexual. Its best to reveal this earlier than later in your getting-to-know-you stage, but you will want to pace this at the level of intimacy youre comfortable with.

Rejection comes with the territory when youre dating; learn how to become resilient in the face of this and avoid placing any expectations on the outcomes of your dating ventures. Remember this important point: if a man rejects you because of your HIV status, he did you a favor! You dont want to be with him anyway. He helped you narrow down your screening for compatibility and you now have the energy to channel yourself toward more viable prospects. Your status was rejected, not you as a person because he didnt know you. An HIV+ status did not align with his needs list for a partner. Your needs and values didnt match; its nobodys fault.

Build your social skills so you feel more confident in dating situations; strengthen your assertiveness; build a support system as a resource for companionship and support, find constructive ways to manage loneliness, practice good self-care of your mind, body, and soul, etc.

Finding a boyfriend is not the pathway to solving all of your problems. Remember to attend to all the different parts of your life and enjoy life to the max, thereby taking the emphasis off of dating; snagging a guy along the way would then become an added bonus.

Combat negative self-talk that might set you up for failure. If you think that nobody will want to date you because of your status, you could create the very situation you dont want to have happen. The Law of Attraction states that we commonly get back what we put out there to others. Like attracts like. Avoid creating any of these self-fulfilling prophecies and adopt a more positive and optimistic mindset.

During those difficult times when it seems like youve tried everything and nothing seems to work, preserver. Try to take stock of what youre thankful and grateful for in life and create a list of appreciations and affirmations that will help keep you centered and moving forward. Dating and securing a true goodness-of-fit with someone takes time and great care.

Conclusion

You can create the life you want, no matter what your status. The secret to success is to avoid succumbing to defeatist attitudes and to examine ways that you yourself may be contributing to your own struggles since we cant change other people or make them be our boyfriends. You only have power over your own life; capitalize on your strengths and work on removing barriers to your dating pursuits and eliminating self-imposed blocks. There is someone out there for you! But you have to be the best guy that you can be first and then go out there and find a man who accurately resonates with your vision. All the best with your journey!

2007 Brian L Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, teleclasses, and the self-help book he co-authored, "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion," please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com Thank you!

Selecting the Right Advertising Media to Find Your Ideal Prospect

Dear Business-Builder,

OK so youve got a product on your hands. Maybe its your product. Or, maybe youre a copywriter and its your clients product.

The question is, where do you find the prospects that are most ready, willing and able to become your customers?

Thats the question I was asked recently. Well, actually, the question was a bit more specific:

I have a new client selling jewelry items (ear rings, chains, broaches) targeted at those who feel patriotic about their country - and wish to display their pride on their clothing and body.

We are discussing advertising in The National Enquirer-type of publication. Danbury and Franklin mint are consistent in there with products in similar price points.

Where would I find mailing lists targeted at those who buy jewelry items at the $100 price point?

What about lists of buyers who are patriotic - where would I find such a list?

Soon as I read that question, I realized Ive been woefully remiss in writing articles about advertising media. Should you begin with TV? Radio? A Web campaign? Print ads in newspapers or magazines? Direct mail?

I mean its kind of an important question when you think about it. After all the medium youll be using not only determines the cost of your promotion; it also is a major influence on the approach youre going to take in your sales copy!

So today, were going to remedy that with a basic, plain-English guide to selecting the advertising media that will give your promotions the greatest likelihood of success.

Or, alternatively titled

MEDIA SELECTION 101

Right off the bat, it helps to understand three all-important facts of life about selecting the optimal medium for your promotion

FACT #1: There Aint No Such Thing as a Free Lunch. If you plan to rent a direct mail list, place an ad in a newspaper or magazine, buy time on TV or radio, plaster your business all over a billboard or even buy space on the back of a matchbook you might as well get used to it: Youre going to have to unlimber your checkbook.

Think you can dodge the media cost bullet by building your business on the Internet? Maybe with affiliate programs, joint venture or per-inquiry (PI) deals?

Good luck! These programs are important, but your affiliates and joint venture partners not you get to decide if and when your ads run and by extension, if and when youll become a success.

To produce the big numbers of new customers youre looking for, youll need to seize control of your own fortunes. And that means renting e-mail lists, buying banners on websites, signing on for pay-per-click campaigns -- and unless you personally have the time and knowledge required, paying someone else to make sure the search engines can find your site.

FACT #2: Some Advertising Media Cost More Than Others. The rates a particular medium charges you are generally based on four things

A. The number of people who will see your message: The number of people who subscribe, read, view or listen to a particular medium is often referred to as impressions or eyeballs and the more eyeballs you get, the more you pay.

The cost of a medium divided by eyeballs tells you how much youre paying to deliver your sales message to one prospect. Multiply that number times one thousand and you get that mediums cost per thousand or CPM. CPM is the number thats usually used to compare the cost of various media.

A 30-second television spot in a local market might cost you as little as $10/M. A red-hot direct mail list could cost you $150/M or more.

B. The size of your ad: In addition to the number of eyeballs you get, you also pay for how much time or space your ad will consume. Full-page ads cost more than little ones; 30-second commercials cost less than 30-minute infomercials. Even in bulk mailings, basic postage rates allow you up to three ounces of material. If you want to send more, youll have to pay more.

C. The type of people who will see your message: As a general rule

Media that deliver your ad to the gray masses are the cheapest on a CPM basis: Billboards, general-interest newspapers and tabloids, local TV and radio channels, for example ...

Media that deliver your ad to better-defined audiences cost a little more: Special interest magazines, cable channels and websites, for example ...

And the media that put your sales message only in front of people who are most highly qualified to buy your product charge out the wazzoo: Highly selected direct mail and e-mail lists of folks who have bought your type of product through this kind of medium in the recent past are at the top of the media cost pecking order (and usually, well-worth it!).

FACT #3: Some Advertising Media Produce Higher Response Rates Than Others. If you ever had the opportunity to run the exact same sales copy on every medium available, youd probably find that the percentage of folks who respond to your ad will be up to 100 times greater in some media than in others.

Same ad, same copy, same offer massive response differential.

Why?

Well, for one thing, theres the competition. If your sales message is just one in a big newspaper or magazine or clustered with others on TV or radio, not all readers will see or hear you and therefore, the media will probably cost you less.

On the other hand, if your sales message is delivered all by itself (as in direct mail or e-mail blasts), your response rate could be up to 100 times higher and the media cost will also be higher.

But theres another, more crucial reason why the response rates produced by some advertising media are so much higher than others

THE SELECTIVITY FACTOR

Media that produce the greatest response rates are invariably those that deliver your ad to your most qualified prospects. Put simply, they allow you to select your audience using one of three general criteria

1. Geographic Selection: Some media billboards, general-interest newspapers and tabloids and local TV and radio stations, for example cant tell you much about wholl see or hear your ad.

Sure -- theyve done polls, so they can also give you a good idea of the average and/or median age and income level of their readers and what percent are men vs. women. But thats pretty much it.

Beyond that, all they can really tell you for sure is the geographic area in which your ad will be seen -- a particular neighborhood Zip code SCF (the first three digits of your Zip code) city metro area county state region or nation, for example.

By their very nature, they cant offer you the choice to advertise only to men or women or folks above a particular income level.

On the other hand, these media are extremely cheap. So, if just about everyone in a particular area is a prospect for your product, these geographically defined media can actually be highly cost-effective.

But

If only women buy your product, you could be wasting up to half of your advertising dollar effectively doubling your media costs ...

If only women over 50 are prospects, you could be quadrupling your media costs ...

If only women over 50 with osteoporosis are prospects, you could be multiplying your media costs by a factor of ten

And if your best prospect is a woman over 50 with osteoporosis who would try an alternative treatment, and can afford your product, you could be wasting 99% or more of every ad dollar.

2. Demographic Selection: Because they exclude obvious non-prospects, advertising media that deliver consumers based on their sex, sexual orientation, race or ethnic group, age, education, profession, income level, home ownership, etc. tend to produce substantially higher response rates.

Media that allow you to focus exclusively on the appropriate demographic for your product include

Special-interest magazines: Playboy, Maxim and Popular Mechanics deliver mostly men. Cosmo, Glamour and Womans Day give you the ladies. Seventeen gives you young girls, Modern Maturity gives you us old fogies and Black Enterprise gives you Afro-American professionals. Prevention gives you health nuts Guns & Ammo gives you gun nuts Sports Illustrated gives you sports nuts ad infinitum.

Special-interest cable channels: Lifetime gives you women Discovery Health gives you health nuts The History Channel and History International give you history nuts Speed Channel gives you car nuts etc.

Special-interest web sites: With millions of sites out there, its a deadlock cinch that youll find a site that delivers your prime demographic and then place your banners on that site.

Plus, just about every special-interest magazine you can name has a website and most will allow you to place banners on their sites for a fee.

Direct mail and e-mail lists: Take a look in the Standard Rate and Data Service (SRDS) for mail lists, and youll see three kinds of lists:

1) Compiled lists lists of names and addresses that were compiled from public records. Typical compiled lists include lists of addresses without names attached (occupant lists), lists of folks with drivers licenses, homeowners, plus lists of professionals and so forth.

2) Inquiry lists folks who have asked for more information in response to a lead-producing ad, but who have not made a purchase.

3) Buyer lists folks who have actually purchased a product (or donated money) as the direct result of a promotion sent to them by mail. Naturally, these include the lists of people who subscribe to all the specialty magazines named above.

Depending on your product, all of these lists might give you the ability to ensure that your message is going to folks who satisfy your demographic criteria but because buyer lists contain the names of folks who have actually spent money through the mail, theyre by far the most responsive of the three.

3. Psychographic Selection: The greatest response rates youll find by a long shot are produced by media that allow you to select your prospects psychographically.

Psychographic selection allows you to find prospects on the basis of their PROVEN interests, beliefs, fears and desires.

Proven is the operative word, here. Psychographic media mostly mailing lists and e-mail lists (and the co-ops, ride-alongs and insert programs that go to those lists) -- deliver folks who have actually purchased a product like yours through a medium like the one youll be using!

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

Looking back at the question at the beginning of this article, my friend was thinking about 1) Advertising his patriotic jewelry in National Enquirer because Franklin Mint does, and 2) Mailing to lists of folks who previously bought jewelry items for around his $100 price point.

To me at least, either would be a mistake. Why? Because it totally leaves the prospects dominant emotions out of the equation.

Since 99% of all purchases we make every day are made to satisfy an emotional need, thats like showing up at a gunfight and leaving 99% of your bullets in the glove compartment.

Instead, Id want my promo going to folks who are, first and foremost, passionate about their love of country so passionate, theyd love nothing better than to express that patriotism in the jewelry they wear.

My first question would be, Where are the lists of folks who are already buying other kinds of patriotic jewelry at or around this price point? In short, Id look at direct competitors and try to rent their mailing lists.

My second question would be, Where can I find people who have purchased non-jewelry patriotic items and who have paid about $100 per purchase? Id scan for direct mail and e-lists of people whove spent $100 to buy American flags, patriotic license plates, red-white-and-blue clothing, for example.

My third question would be, Where can I find people who have such a compelling love of country that theyd probably jump at the chance to wear patriotic jewelry? Id look at magazines, websites, and mailing lists that deliver the most politically active folks out there: Members of political action committees and lobbying groups like the National Rifle Association Republican and Democrat fat cat donors members of veterans organizations and so on.

Finally, after Ive fully explored all of these media, my fourth question would be, Where can I find general-interest media thats so cheap, Ill still make money even if my response rate is miniscule? And thats where Id look at print ads in huge circulation tabloids and TV.

Then, Id sit down and do a little math:

Hmmm my patriotic lapel pin costs me $19. I sell it for $99. That gives me an $80 margin.

If my mail cost is $500 per thousand pieces mailed, Ill need to sell 6.25 pins for every thousand pieces mailed to break even.

Thats a response rate of about .63%: About six-tenths of one percent.

Doable? Maybe. But that might restrict me to using only the most qualified lists out there. Id better hedge my bets some.

For one thing, I could add a nice bump to my offer. Maybe a beautiful broach for my prospects spouse for, say, an additional $79 (gross profit: $50).

That should get my average margin per sale up to around $130. At that rate, my break-even response rate drops to .38%. Now, were talking!

------------------------

Well, this media question is a pretty big one and weve only scratched the surface. True -- its a scratch that would have gotten my butt whupped if Id left it on my Moms piano bench.

But its still only a scratch. Theres a lot more to consider but Ill have to tackle the next step another time.

Clayton Makepeace is a working direct response marketing consultant and copywriter who has helped his clients attract more than 3 million new customers quadruple their profits and rake in more than $1 billion in direct mail and internet sales. His daily e-letter, The Total Package, shares his proven response-boosting techniques with younger writers, business owners, and marketing pros. Find out more at http://www.makepeacetotalpackage.com

Stress Management In The Workplace: Handling Work Stress

Stress management in the workplace is a reality that most of us have to face for one reason or another and coping with it is key to long-term career success.

Some careers are more stressful than others and some companies and managers you work for might provide you with more stress than youd otherwise like.

Having some stress can be helpful because it can provide motivation that allows you to work with a bit of a sense of urgency and purpose.

When stress in the workplace reaches a high level and carries over to your personal life in a negative way though, this is a sign that you need to do something to properly manage it so that it doesnt spiral out of control further.

Here are some suggestions for successful stress management in the workplace:

1. Try to address issues that might be affecting your stress level that you might not readily think of, especially the ones you can change. Do you drive 1 hour to work each day and feel beaten up by the time you get into the office each morning? Are there ways you can lighten your workload? Do you need to learn how to say no to certain requests from time to time? Look for ways of changing how you to things especially ones you have some control over.

2. Look for ways to improve your time management. Often, stress is a result of simply not having enough time to complete everything you need to do. Stop wasting time talking with colleagues and making personal phone calls, stop surfing the Internet for personal reasons, and eliminate other time wasters. Shut your office door if you have trouble with people walking in and distracting you or find a quiet office where you can work undisturbed if necessary.

3. Find some sort of athletic endeavor to take part in. I like working out at the gym but you might find jogging, playing squash or taking yoga classes will help. Try something athletic that gets your mind off work. Start by going for a walk at lunchtime just to get out of the office for a bit.

4. Dont neglect your personal life. Remember to try to find the proper balance between your work life and your work outside of work. Try when possible to leave work at work. A separation between work and personal life is paramount.

5. Carefully consider whether or not you are in the right job. If successful stress management at work is just not possible and if you yearn for your time with a previous employer when things were better, maybe youre in the wrong job. Do you like what do you or is it simply a job to you? If its simply a job there might be other jobs that are less stressful that are better suited to your personality.

Stress management in the workplace is critical to your long-term career and long-term health. When stress management is simply not achievable through change, consider consulting a doctor for a medical opinion in case you are suffering from more than just stress.

Carl Mueller is an Internet entrepreneur and professional recruiter who wants to help you find your dream career.

Visit Carl's website to separate yourself from other job searchers: http://www.find-your-dream-career.com

Sign up for The Effective Career Planner, Carls free 5-day course: http://www.find-your-dream-career.com/effective-career-planner.html

Ezine editors/Webmasters: Please feel free to reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or on your website. Please dont change any of the content and please ensure that you include the above bio that shows my website URL. If you would like me to address any specific career topics in future articles, please let me know.